*originally posted january 25, 2019

Alright y’all...time for VHS(‘s) of the week:

You know...I’m thinking it’s high time for a reboot of this series...to be called...wait for it...OLD GUNS!!! And I don’t think they should round up the original cast...‘cuz most of those dudes are only in their early 50’s. I say they get the oldest actors still currently working...like maybe say Clint Eastwood, James Earl Jones, asshole Jon Voight, and 102 year-old Kirk Douglas. The entire movie will just be one long shot of these old bastards trying to mount a horse...as directed by Lars Von Trier or Gus Van Sant or some other anti-narrative director with a 3-name name. Anyway...so here’s the deal: I was a pretty big fan of Young Guns when it came out...but I refused to watch Young Guns 2...even though it has that sick Jon Bon Jovi tune in it (first cassette single I ever purchased!). The reason for this is that I incorrectly remembered the entire cast of the first Young Guns being shot to death at the conclusion of said film. Naturally I was confused about why they would turn around and make a sequel with the same cast. Instead of watching Part 2 to help clear up any confusion I simply went on with the rest of my goddamn life and haven’t thought much about Young Guns over the last 30 years. This week I decided to sit down and watch both films back-to-back to see what was what (3.5 hours of Young Guns, y’all). OK...so part 1 opens in the old west back in 18 whatever whatever long ass time ago. A group of degenerate dudes played by Kiefer Sutherland, Lou Diamond Phillips, Casey Siemasko, intentional HIV transmitter Charlie Sheen, and man who is not Dylan McDermott, Dermot Mulroney, all live in some weird charm school ranch run by too-good-for-a-movie-of-this-stripe Terrence Stamp. The fellas take in a wayward stray with played by Paula Abdul’s ex-husband Emilio Estevez. This cat, Billy the Kid, is known to kill a man a man or two...but that don’t impress the rest of the fellas much. They call him pig fucker and make him shovel shit outta the barn. Billy’s all like “why do you call yourselves Regulators!” and then, to my complete shock, Casey Siemasko delivers the speech that is sampled at the beginning of Nate Dogg and Warren G’s 1994 mega jam “Regulators!” Like...I had ZERO idea this song that I have heard a billion times and performed at karaoke (the Nate Dogg part) contained a sample from Young Guns!! MInd: blown. So now Terrance Stamp has 6 dudes so all he needs to do now is teach these motherfuckers the pop n’ lock and he can field a boy band. Unfortunately Stamp has some sort of scarcely explained issue with a fellow landowner played by a pre-one-armed-push-ups-at-the-Oscars Jack Palance. I feel like this is gonna be a big problem down the road. Until then...Stamp takes his crew into town for a drunken barn dance. There, Kiefer takes a liking to a geisha girl who is owned by Palance because of course she is. Her name is Yen Sun but everyone calls her China Girl (oh baby...just you shut your MOUTH). Here I’d also like to point out that every female character...in BOTH films....is a prostitute. Once again: the 80’s=terrible. The next morning the Regulators are creeping home at sun up and they are hungover as all get out so they don’t notice when Palance’s crew ambushes them. Stamp is killed. The dudes are sad. They head back into town where the sheriff deputizes them and asks them to round up the men who killed Stamp. Kiefer also tries to get the China Girl to come with them. He does this by screaming into her face and acting like a total psycho. She says she’s all set. The fellas ride out into the desert a whompin’ and a whoopin’. When they come across some of the men who had a hand in Stamp’s death, instead of arresting him like they’re supposed to, Billy just murders them all to death. Turns out dude is CRAZY. He’s like Mr Blonde in Reservoir Dogs: Bam....Bam...Bam...Bam. Now the Regulators are the ones being hunted by the law. They have no idea what to do next but then they turn around and LDP has got his face all painted up because he’s native american and those dudes always roll with non-grease face paint. He’s like “i’ve got some peyote...maybe that’ll help us figure shit out.” Charlie Sheen is all “I didn’t know you were holidin’! Lay it down, clown!!” That guy loves drugs. So they all trip balls in what has to be the most low-rent movie hallucination scene of all time. They clearly couldn’t afford any visual effects...not even a naked indian like in the Doors...so the entire sequence consists of the dudes stumbling around talking to themselves in these weird, distorted voices. That’s all well and good except they gave all six guys the SAME distorted voice. Not much is accomplished by the drugging except real-life brothers Estevez and Sheen decide they now hate each other..which isn’t a huge problem as Sheen is killed in the very next scene (good riddance). The fellas head to a brothel where Siemasko marries a hooker. We can be fairly certain that he will die next. Meanwhile Kiefer heads into town to see China Girl. He sneaks into her room and covers her mouth with a black glove and screams into her face some more and demands she run away with him. Says he wants to get hell bent for leather...which is totally the name of a Judas Priest song. Once again...she says she’s all set. Eventually the remaining 5 dudes go see their pal who is totally the guy who played the Stepfather in those scary Stepfather movies! While there, the house is suddenly surrounded by like 300 dudes with shotguns. Billy’s all “no sweat, y’all.” They hole up overnight and in the manana the angry mob lights the house on fire. Luckily it somehow burns slow enough for the guys to have a good ten minute shootout. Siemasko is killed first (told you)...Dermot Mulroney is killed...The Stepfather is killed...LDP and Kiefer are shot up but survive. Billy gets away clean and manages to put a bullet in old Jack Palance. The movie ends with a voice-over about how LDP escaped to Mexico, Kiefer and China Girl moved to NYC and got married and lived happily ever after (Huh!?) and Billy the Kid was killed by sheriff Pat Garrett. Ok...so when I’m wrong I’m wrong! Not everyone dies at the end. I will now watch Young Guns 2:

Alright so this one opens on a New Mexico in 1950’s...where Bradley Whitford (Josh from the West Wing...not the Aerosmith guitarist) has pulled to the side of the road to meet with some old timer named Bushy Bill...who turns out to be Emilio Estevez buried in so much old man makeup he looks like a cross between Jon Voight and Pizza the Hut from Spaceballs (in other words...just like present day Jon Voight). He claims to be Billy the Kid and offers to tell his story...which means that this film will be narrated by Emilio Estevez impersonating a late-stage emphysema patient. Great. So we head back to the old west where a newly mulleted Billy the Kid is still killin’ up a storm. He’s got a whole new crew that includes #metoo movement avoider and biter of police officers Christian Slater as well as the legendary Pat Garrett, played by the guy who plays Reese Witherspoon’s dad in the movie where she gets fingerblasted by Marky Mark on a roller coaster. If you took the cast of both Young Guns films and added up their respective arrests for DUI and felony A&B the number would be in the dozens. Just sayin’. ANYWAY! Billy is arrested and Kiefer Sutherland and LDP are hustled back from the set of the 1989 buddy cop flick Renegades. The trio are meant to stand trial for the shit they pulled back in Part 1 but they escape and light out for old Mexico. Billy says he knows a secret trail called Mexican Blackbird and the rest of the dudes are like “cool”. Pat Garrett decides to sit this one out and instead they get friggin’ Cameron for Ferris Bueller to take his place! Every time he speaks all I can hear is “A nice stretch job with a TV and a BAR!”. On the way to Mexico they stop at a ranch owned by Jimmy Coburn and kill all of his Mexican ranch hands for reasons that are entirely unclear. What we do know is that Coburn is BULLSHIT about the killing of said Mexicans and decides to put together a posse to bring down Billy and his gang. The posse is to be led by none other than Billy’s one-time friend Pat Garrett (dayyyum!). Also in this posse in a bit part is future acting legend Viggo Mortensen...who has the look of “I can act circles around these nasty bastards” on his face at all times. What else happens? Not much, really. It’s basically a retread of the first movie with a bigger budget and half the screenplay. They go to a brothel (again) where Balthazar Getty loses his virginity. Did I mention he’s in this? Well, he is. He’s the first to die. Garrett is hot on the trail and burns down the brothel. Billy admits that Mexican Blackbird is a whore he once new down in Texas. The secret trail to old Mexico doesn’t exist! Kiefer and LDP are next to get shot to death, Christian Slater fucks off to Mexico alone...which totally seems like something jerk ass Christian Slater would do. That leaves Billy the Kid alone with friggin’ Cameron. Eventually it’s confrontation time between Garrett and Billy. Garrett says “hasta la vista you son of a bitch” and fires his gun but...but...there’s no money shot!! Did he kill him or not!? Is this old codger narrating the movie really Billy the Kid!? We’ll never know. Cue Jon Bon Jovi song: run credits. Before we go I’d like to point out that I do actually think “Blaze of Glory” is an awesome song. What happened was: Emilio Estevez asked JBJ if he could use “Wanted: Dead or Alive” for YG2 and JBJ was like “no but I’ll write you a spankin’ new tune”...and Estevez was like “ummm...ok...I guess.” He not only turned in that single but an ENTIRE ALBUM full of songs “inspired by Young Guns 2” The other 12 songs should not be listened to for any reason whatsoever. If you can make it all the way through “Billy Get Your Gun” without horking you are a stronger person than I. The end.