*posted january 4, 2019*

Ok Folks...time for VHS of the Week:

As most of you know my Dad passed away 9 years ago next month. However, he’s very much alive in these VHS posts as we seemed to go to the movies together every weekend from as early as I can remember up until our final trip to the cinema in 2001 (to see The Royal Tenenbaums, strangely enough). And then there’s my mother....who has taken me to the movies exactly 5 times in 40 years. I can name every one of them....you ready?

The Smurfs and the Magic Flute

Footloose

Home Alone

Wayne’s World

Courage Under Fire....in 1996....just before she shipped me off to film school. That means that we haven’t seen a movie together in 23 years!! Maybe she just doesn’t like movies? She certainly ferried my ass to and from the video store until I was old enough to take myself there (Ahhh you kiddin’ me, honey---another fuckin’ Steve Maaaaahtin movie??).

Anyway...where am I going with all of this? Oh yeah! So one night my Dad took me to see Twins. I remember digging it at the time. I just checked it out again and you know...it holds up fairly well. I mean...what’s not to like? Some screenwriter probably walked into Universal and said “here’s the pitch: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito and TWINS!!!” and they immediately pulled out the confetti cannons and threw that motherfucker a parade. The main gist of the story is this: back in the day some scientists got together to try to create the perfect man (why’s he gotta be a MAN? Sexisss). They got a bunch of genius dudes together and collected their DNA in a plastic sandwich bag and then found a host mother to deliver the baby. The baby turned out to be Arnold Schwarzenegger....a pretty solid pull if you are into dudes with muscles. I might question why a US government-funded experiment would yield a “perfect man” who only speaks English with a super mangled Austrian accent....but maybe that’s just me. Anyway...apparently there was some sort of, ehh, seepage. Some trimmings leftover if you will and those trimmings turned into Danny DeVito. I’m not a medical doctor but I feel like this is not something that could actually happen. The muscle brother somehow becomes the governor of California and accidentally paves the way for other non-politician type entertainers to get elected to jobs that they shouldn’t have (coughTRUMPcough) while the other one goes on a morning talk show shitfaced and accidentally paves the way for having his own line of Limoncello. Ok right but back to Twins: the Schwarzenegger brother is an uber-genius but homeboy grew up on the rural side of Guam or some shit so he doesn’t know anything about the real world. He’s also a virgin. DeVito, meanwhile, is a total grifter loser who steals cars with a pre-NYPD Blue David Caruso and is always in trouble with the police/mob etc. Schwarzenegger comes to LA to find his long lost twin and action/comedy ensues. So...I could take you through the rest of the plot but what I really want to talk about is this one scene that occurs halfway through the movie. The brothers have hit the road to try to find their long lost mother and they have DeVito’s girlfriend in tow...along with her sister Marnie...played by Charlie Sheen gunshot victim Kelly Preston. DeVito is pretty certain that Marnie is game to deflower his hulking 36 year-old twin brother so...as the fellas are getting ready for a night out on the town in Santa Fe...Danny DeVito starts singing this completely made up song called “Tonight is Your Night, Bro”....the lyrics of which consist of the phrase “Tonight is your night, bro” repeated over and over....gingerly. Now...back at Showcase Cinema in June of 1988 my Dad and I see this scene and look at each other and just lose our shit laughing. I mean...it’s not really funny at all....but it is also the funniest thing that happens in this movie, you dig? Like...where did this come from?? Did the director just tell Danny DeVito to act excited that his brother was about to get laid and he decided to ad lib this song?? I mean...I don’t have any siblings so I don’t know: is this something that you do for your brother when he’s about to have a good night for some reason? You start singing “Tonight is Your Night, Bro!‘ to him?? I DO know what happened next in my life: for the next few years this song became a staple of the Tebo household. Like...no one knew what the fuck we were talking about...and were even less amused if we told them. It’d be like Me: Hey dad...I’m going to get a pizza. Dad: Tonight is your night, bro! Any stupid old thing...for years. He’d always catch me unaware on the phone too. Dad: Hey bud...guess what tonight is? Me: Oh! Are we going to the Japanese Steakhouse!? Dad: Nope...tonight is your night, bro!!!! Me: Ahhh man!!! If you are reading this right now....man, woman, or animal...wherever you are...I hope tonight is your night....bro. And maybe check out Twins again if you got nothin‘ else going on…