*originally posted july 20, 2017*

Alright folks....it's time for VHS of the week:

I’m gonna go right ahead and assume that the people who put this movie together were in the grips of some sort of cocaine-induced psychosis at the time. A sequel to the 1979 Bill Murray comedy in name only, Meatballs Part II somehow manages to offend native americans, gays, jews, hare krishna’s, extra terrestrials, Italian’s, pugilists, the French, and the handicapped...all in its tidy 87 minute running time! I’m gonna explain it in bullet points because, much like the thoughts of someone who has just done a shit ton of blow, it’s all over the map.

--The movie takes place over the course of a week at Camp Sasquatch, where some tough guy delinquent guinea named Flash has been sent to work off the remainder of his prison sentence by taking care of children (ed note: Huh???). No shit...he actually gets dropped off to camp in a police car! Flash looks like he’s about 30 and the reason for this is the actor playing him was 30 at the time the movie was filmed. Flash immediately draws the attention of the camp director, Giddy (played by Richard Mulligan, a notorious ladies man in his pre-death years). You see Giddy is locked in a heated battle with the military camp across the lake that is set to culminate in a “champ of the lake” boxing match at the end of the summer. I mean...I spent 8 years at summer camp and I know we shot shotguns and bows and arrows and shit...but boxing?? Giddy thinks Flash would be a hot hand in the boxing ring. Meanwhile the teenaged ladies of the camp think Flash will be a hot hand at other adult-type stuff. He catches the eye of Cheryl who catches his eye right back which should be game on BUT Cheryl is an innocent who has never even seen a pinky. I know...you are all like “what are you talking about, Tebo??” Early on in the film the ladies of cabin whatevertheshit are sitting around looking at Playgirl Magazine (of course!) when it comes out that Cheryl has never seen a live penis before. Except they don’t call it a penis...they call it a “pinky”. Now I have owned said equipment for 38 of my 38 years and I have only ever heard the word pinky used to describe male genitalia in Meatballs 2. ANYWAY...the ladies decided that this will not stand and make a vow that Cheryl will see a pinky before summer’s end. (ed note: GAH!!)

--Ok so there’s all that. But then there is also a friggin’ ALIEN! That’s right...there’s a side plot about the younger boy campers, one of which is totally the jerk older brother from Wonder Years, who find an alien in the shitter. His name is Meathead (the alien) and he has a Brooklyn accent and can walk through walls and levitate but is generally a pretty normal dude. He even smokes a joint with Flash at one point just to show how chill he is. This subplot kind of dies out halfway through...leading be to believe there’s a 4 hour super cut of this movie somewhere in the Tri-Star vault.

--There’s a running gag about the camp chef, an alcoholic Frenchman who wants to serve the children haute cuisine instead of the usual burgers and dogs. He eventually saws up a dead horse and feeds the meat to the campers. No joke.

--Paul Reubens is in the movie although his role is completely undefined. He drives the camp bus...DJ’s the camp dance...and is always sort of lingering in the background. Maybe the filmmaker’s knew he had a little something called Pee Wee’s Big Adventure coming out late in the year and wanted to get him in the movie as much as possible. Big year for P Dub....

--This went completely over my head when I watched this as a child...but there’s a running joke about how the assistant director of the military camp, played by 5 time Emmy winner John Larroquette, is gay. It’s wicked offensive. I guess this was before Night Court and all. They must’ve just called him up and asked if he still had his costume from Stripes.

--ANYWAY...climax of the movie...the military camp guys don’t want Flash to win the big boxing match so they motherfucking KIDNAP him! And not in a cartoony comedy way. They beat the shit out of him with brass knuckles and strip him naked and leave him to die back at the military camp. Luckily he comes to right before the boxing match and shows up to fight wearing one of Johnny Larroquette’s secret gay dresses. So the fight is on but the military guys are pissed so they try to blow up the boxing match with a GRENADE!! Grenade+blown up children=comedy gold! The alien uses his alien powers to disarm the grenade...Flash wins the match but loses his dress...which is a win for Cheryl as she has now seen a Pinky. Everyone goes home happy. 7 year-old Danny Tebo goes home and asks his mom about pinky’s. Scene.