According to the opening credits of Jaws 3-D, the film was “suggested by the novel Jaws by Peter Benchley.” Now, it’s been a minute or two since I’ve cracked open Benchley’s 1974 bestseller...but I’m gonna go ahead and say that nowhere in the book does it suggest that “this story shall be adapted into a summer blockbuster for the ages...the first of its kind!....followed by three sequels...each one shittier than the one that came before it!” (I mean...it would be kind of awesome if it actually DID say that). I don’t really have much to add when it comes to Jaws. I still watch it every summer, ideally on the big screen or at a drive-in, and it still does it to me. Every time. I watched Jaws 2 and Jaws: The Revenge on the regular when I was a kid ‘cuz I was a kid and didn’t know any better. I never watched Jaws 3-D, however, because...well...I heard that it sucked. If you have ever scrolled through the list of movies featured here at VHS of the Week you are probably thinking “wait a minute--don’t almost ALL of the movies you write about suck?” If you think this then you are not incorrect. I guess the reason I have strenuously avoided Jaws 3-D is the fact that it’s in 3-D. You see, kids: in the early 80’s there was a boom in 3-D technology that just happened to coincide with the release of a butt ton of horror movie threequels. This was all well and good when the flicks were on the big screen, but there was no way to duplicate the 3-D experience at home unless you purchased something called the Video High Density video disc system, a machine that was never owned by anyone anywhere. In the four years that I spent working estate sales I came across every antiquated home entertainment system you can name: Betamax, Laserdisc, CED (if anyone is looking for Tron on CED drop me a line and I’ll hook you up). But a Video High Density system? Why would you shell out extra dough when your viewing options were limited to Jaws 3-D, Amityville 3-D, and Friday the 13th 3-D? Without the 3-D technology what we’re left with is regular ass Jaws 3, which ain’t much to look at. Like literally. Like the movie looks all weird and grainy and underdeveloped. Apparently the bigs at Universal realized they had jumped the shark (sorry...had to) with Jaws 2 and decided the third film in the series would be a spoof. It was to be written by John Hughes and directed by Joe Dante. So The Breakfast Club meets Gremlins but with sharks. Or...also with sharks? Gremlin sharks? Gremlarks? Either way...you had me at YES PLEASE!! That movie would have ruled so much ass. Unfortunately they scrapped that idea and brought on legendary sci-fi writer Richard Matheson to pen a more Jaws-like Jaws. That movie probably would have ruled too but they took Matheson’s screenplay and rewrote every line except for the one that says “Written by Richard Matheson.” Dude was pissed.

What happens is this: Two time shark-attack survivor Mike Brody has traded the uninhabitable waters of Amity Island for the controlled confines of SeaWorld. Brody is now being portrayed by Quaid brother who didn’t go apeshit and tank his own career Dennis. Dennis Quaid is 10 years older than the actor who played Mike Brody in the Jaws that came out five years before this one...but really...who’s keeping count? (ME...that’s who!). Quaid was already pretty famous at this point. Not for his acting, mind you, but for his prodigious cocaine intake. According to Quaid, he was zooted up on crank in “every frame” of Jaws 3-D. And you know...I really feel bad for the guy. Not because he had a substance abuse problem (he cleaned up his act and made Innerspace and married Meg Ryan and like four other ladies) but because filming a movie that requires you to constantly jump in the water fully clothed is an everyday drug user’s worst nightmare! Seriously, I’m thinking the pained expression Quaid wears throughout most of the film is probably the result of him realizing that he has a bag of waterlogged gak in his pocket.

Anyway, Mike Brody has a pretty solid gig at SeaWorld. He gets to smoke a ton of cigarettes and tool around on jet skis, barking orders at people. He’s also dating Dr Kay, the park’s chief biologist and closest thing this sequel has to a Dick Dreyfuss character. The park is just days away from unveiling its new underwater viewing complex, which will feature a maze of shark-baiting tunnels. And also--a cocktail lounge. People are crazy stressed out, particularly the folks on the cutthroat water skiing team. If they don’t execute the human water skiing pyramid perfectly they’ll be sent back to...wherever it is professional water skiers come from. It’s cool though ‘cuz the ski team counts Howard the Duck star Lea Thompson among its members. You know Mrs McFly gonna keep that shit on point! While peeps are scurrying around trying to put a bow on this underwater Atlantis, park owner Calvin Bouchard is the picture of tranquility. Bouchard is played by Louis Gossett Jr, who had just taken home the Best Actor Oscar for An Officer and a Gentleman and who looks ready to cash...the fuck...IN! As well he should, right? Big budget shark movie? Where’s my cocktail at? Seriously, the guy has a cocktail in his hand at all times. Hey, if Dennis Quaid and stuff his face full of drugs...

The park is self-contained yet connected to the open ocean by a set of retractable gates. The gates are supposed to keep their showpiece dolphins Laverne and Shirley or whomever from swimming out to sea and to keep sharks from swimming in. Unfortunately there’s already a shark in the park (now there’s a tidy name for a move: Shark in the Park!) and he busts his noggin on the gate while trying to swim home to Pensacola. Now the gate is all jammed up so Mike dispatches a mechanic by the name of Overman down to be promptly dispatched. The dude tries to fix the gate but the shark sneaks up from behind without so much as a tap tap and eats the SHIT out of him! His severed arm floats toward the camera for and just lingers there for an entire eternity like a fart in church. Was this thing supposed to leap out of the screen and swipe my Junior Mints in 3-D? Is it gonna do anything, this arm? Hello?

Back up on the dry things are moving along as planned. Mike’s little brother Sean has arrived from Colorado, where he has somehow taken to wearing cowboy hats and speaking with a slight southern drawl. We are also introduced to an Australian shark hunter called Phil FitzRoyce. Think Quint but without much dialogue (and zero WW2 monologues). I’m sure this Aussie will have something to do with something at some point. When night falls, Mike and Kay take baby brah out to the local watering hole to get him lit up on beer, which they refer to as “the champagne of the working class.” But wait--isn’t Miller High Life the “champagne of beers?” I’m so confused. At the bar, Sean runs into Lea Thompson, most likely because she is the only other female character in this movie. Sean and Lea Thompson make flirt faces at each other and then scurry off someplace to ball. That someplace: the water. Sean sees what Lea Thompson has in mind and is all like “maybe you haven’t seen me in such films as Jaws and Jaws 2 but I am really, REALLY afraid of the water!” Sean says that he will happily have intercourse literally anywhere else, but Lea Thompson is unrelenting, so into the drink they go. Meanwhile, Mike decides that it would be hilarious to sneak down to the beach and spy on his little brother while he’s fucking. I mean...what brother wouldn’t want to see his brother fornicate? Seriously, I’m asking this question as an only child! Mike and Kay bum rush Sean and Lea Thompson and they have a splash orgy. I see that I wrote the word “dolphins” in my notes so maybe Cagney & Lacey got in on the action too? I really don’t remember.

While all of this weird brother love is going on, a couple of random dudes in full camouflage gear break into SeaWorld in their janky ass canoe and dive into one of the lagoons to hunt for coral to steal. Before they can abscond with their ill-gotten gains they are viciously munched to death by the shark. Major spoiler alert here: they are never even spoken of again. Like, what was the point of all that?? I know these dudes were criminals and all...but to be casually discarded like so much chum? Do no one weep for the Coral Cowboys? I’m sure their mommas do.

The next morning everyone at the Brody residence is hungover as all get out. After they choke down some brekky Kay heads off to play with Kate & Allie while Mike does...whatever it is that Mike does. At the park, word has started to filter down that this Overman cat never resurfaced from his gate-repairing errand. Mike suggests that he may have gotten lost in the Spanish Galleon or tangled around an underwater skeleton who goes by the name of Oscar and what the hell kind of park is SeaWorld anyway?? I just realized that the number of things that I know about SeaWorld is approximately zero. I do know that Jaws 3 was filmed at the SeaWorld in Orlando, Florida...which is, last I checked, LANDLOCKED...thus nullifying the entire plot of the movie. Mike and Kay decide to go search for Overman in a submersible vehicle that fills with water. Their dolphin buddies come along for the ride (not in the vehicle, of course) and start to freak out and “eep eep eep!” Before Kay can say “sorry but I do not speak dolphin” here comes the motherfriggin’ shark! Mike and Kay grab a dolphin apiece to ride to safety, which is mad convenient. The shark gives chase but ends up knocking itself out AGAIN! Do these animals have no depth perception? Lou Gossett is immediately pulled away from his crab louis salad and martini lunch to assess the situation. He sees the concussed shark and his eyes light up and he sees warehouses full of shark T-shirts and shark posters and shark beer cozies. FitzRoyce sees an opportunity to murder a shark on live television. Says it’ll be the biggest thing since Geraldo opened Al Capone’s vault (three years in the future). They want to blow the shark up with grenades but Mike says he will not abide watching a shark be blown to bits, even though his pops has at least two shark murders notched on his belt. They agree to disagree for now.

Mike and Kay start to monkey around with the shark, who appreciates it none too much. The shark tries to eat Kay but Mike shoots it full of drugs (not his regular stash, though...more sleepytime-type stuff). Now the shark is in a K-hole but they want to keep its oxygen levels balanced so they can poke and prod it and HOW MANY laws are being broken in this film?? Surely you can’t just take a shark and do with it what you wish, right?! Kay says that they shouldn’t do anything that will aggravate the shark. Like, say, keeping it in captivity?! Rather than taking some time to develop proper shark storing and viewing protocols, Lou Gossett decides the shark is ready for prime time. That big bastard is immediately released into the touch tank and people haul ass on over there because who doesn't want to get a selfie with a great white shark!?? When Kay hears this news she sprints to the touch tank like John McClane, shouting “no no no, you stupid motherfuckers, NO!!” She immediately jumps into the tank and starts to massage the shark and whisper yoga mantras to it...but the fuckin’ thing rolls over and dies anyway. Spectators clutch their chests and cry and probably want refunds.

While all of this is going down, Lea Thompson is desperately trying to convince Sean to ride the bumper boats with her. Like, what the hell is wrong with you, lady?? This kid is CLEARLY terrified of the water! Maybe he can already sense that his character will be murdered by a shark in the first ten minutes of the next Jaws flick. Meanwhile the long-missing Overman finally floats by one of the tunnels.mOr...the top portion of his torso does, anyway. And that shit is DANGED...UP! Crabs crawling out of his mouth and the whole nine! Mike and Kay are called in to review the remains of his remains....which look like 50 cans of canned corned beef. Mike barfs everywhere. Kay rushes to tell a just-sitting-down-for-a-7-course-lunch Lou Gossett that there is most likely a far more problematic shark on the loose. Kay says that Overman was probably killed by the dead shark’s mother...and that the mother now wants to find hell with everyone in the park. “The shark’s damn mother,” Lou Gossett shouts incredulously. “Man, I got clams casino on the way!” Within seconds a shark appears through the window of the lounge and it’s like 75 feet long or whatever. Lou Gossett spits out his Cosmopolitan.

Once Mike gets a peek at the new/old shark he’s off like a shot. He decides the safest, most efficient way to warn the patrons is to steal a golf cart and speed around the park screaming “the shark is gonna eat all of us!” like a goddamn crazy coked up animal. Does this park not have an emergency plan...or IS THIS the park’s emergency plan?? Unfortunately lots of folks are still in tunnels or water skiing or water dancing and you can only reach so many people when you are just one single Dennis Quaid. Poor Sean is still on the bumper boats and the kid still wants to get the hell out of the water and Lea Thompson STILL will not let him. I mean, one can only bumper so much boat! She’s all “come on ya spoilsport...let” OH SHIT!!! The shark is in the bumper boat lagoon! Sean and Lea Thompson are knocked into the water where she is eaten by a shark...which sucks...but then she is pulled ashore with little more than a gnarly gash on her thigh...which HUH!? I clearly saw the shark consume this woman whole. Not that it matters much. She and Sean hop into an ambulance that drives them away from the set of this movie. Like...forever. They are not seen again. Character arcs: complete.

Lou Gossett gets on the intercom and tries to tell the remaining people in the tunnels to stay calm but the shark shows up and breaks the pipes open and water comes cascading in and people grab their wives/husbands/babies/grandmas and run like motherfuckers. They all end up trapped underground in chest-deep water...all crying a shivering and dreaming of lawsuits. While he watches all of this unfolding, Lou Gossett gets this horrible look on his face that says “I’m not gonna win any more Oscars, am I?” Anyway, there’s a way to rescue those people from the tunnel but it requires Mike Brody to complete some poorly explained welding project. I just know that I wrote “he’s welding” in my notes twice. The guy is welding, capisce?? Kay visits Mike in the welding shop and says that they should think about moving to Venezuela once the movie is over. Hey...task at hand, y’all!

FitzRoyce makes another pitch for his primetime shark snuff flick. This time no one objects. FitzRoyce tells Lou Gossett that he’s gonna lure the shark into a filtration pipe using live bait. Oh! He’s referring to himself?? Bad idea, dude. Sure enough the shark swallows FitzRoyce but there’s this dope POV shot from inside the shark’s mouth looking out. I start to think that it actually looks pretty roomy in there. Cozy even. I start to wonder how long once can survive in the belly of a shark with the proper scuba equipment. Maybe hitch a free ride around the ocean floo....OPE...blood and guts suddenly fill the screen. The answer: not very long. 86 FitzRoyce.

Kay dives down to help Mike put the finishing touches on his welding project. While Mike is doing his thing Kay turns around to see the shark swimming toward them at top speed, mouth agape. Kay taps Mike on the shoulder like “LOOK!!!” Mike turns around, sees the shark, and yells “ALLRULLLGHHH!!!!!” At least that’s what it sounds like underwater. It’s friggin’ hilarious, whatever it is. Luckily Thelma & Louise show up to provide an assist at just the right moment. They start booping the shark with their dolphin noses, which pisses her off even more than she’s already pissed off. The shark actually howls! Mike and Kay escape to the control room, where they pull some levers and manage to free all of those trapped tourists. So that’s cool...but while they are sitting in the window of the control room they look out and see that the shark is moving towards them in the slowest of slow motion. Like, at that speed they would probably have time to call up to the restaurant for some shrimp cocktail...and eat it...before the shark crashes through the glass. This shit must have looked RI-DIC in theaters! The shark breaks the glass and the control room fills with water. A character who was barely even a character is quickly eaten. Goodbye character. The shark returns for seconds and this is when Mike notices that FitzRoyce’s undigested corpse is still visible inside of the shark’s gullet. As luck would have it, FitzRoyce died clutching a hand grenade! Now all Mike needs to do is reach inside of the shark’s mouth and pull the pin out of the grenade! Shit, if I had a dime for every time I’ve reached into a shark’s mouth to detonate a grenade in a dead man’s hand I’d have...fuckin’...no dimes. The Brody’s, though, have shark annihilation in the blood. Dude knocks out the pin and the shark blows the fuck up like all of the other Jawses before and after it. I mean...I guess the shark in Part 2 was electrocuted....but... whatever. Louis Gossett Jr swims off to star in Iron Eagle’s I through IV. Mike and Kay reach the surface to find that their dolphin buddies have survived. Few shits are given by anyone. But I’ll let you in on a little secret that isn't a secret: the dolphins' names are actually Cindy and Sandy. Freeze frame. The end.