originally posted: november 30, 2018

Ok folks...time for VHS of the week:

Ok...so here’s the deal: the reason I grabbed this tape off of the shelf is because I thought It was this Z-grade horror movie also from the late 90’s ALSO called Jack Frost (tag line: “he’s chillin’....and killin’!!). I quickly saw that it was some family Xmas “comedy”...but then I saw that it had Michael Keaton in it...and that guy is the balls...so I decided to watch it anyway. And like...holy shitting shit Batman...this thing is far more terrifying than the Jack Frost about the murderous snowman. What happens is this: Michael Keaton plays a struggling musician called Jack Frost who fronts...uhh...the Jack Frost Band. His band is a bunch of 40-plus guys/gals...totally dad rock, hotel lobby band bullshit...who appear to only play cracker white “sould” versions of Xmas songs. At the beginning of the flick they are shown playing a gig in front of way more people than would ever pay money to watch a band like this play music. But wait! In the audience some long-haired choad A&R guy who looks like Dweezil Zappa is shouting “this is the Jack Frost Band...we gotta sign these guys asap!!” into his cell phone. (What’s that? It IS Dweezil Zappa? Ok...weird). And look...the chances of a band that didn’t sound like Limp Bizkit getting record deal in 1998? Less than no chance. Never mind a band with the guy who wrote Yes’s Owner of a Lonely Heart on guitar and a dude out front who looks like Dave Matthews after a 5 day meth bender out front (not Keaton’s best look, folks). Back home his 12 year-old son Charlie is mad bummed that his old man is on the road so much. Apparently this Jack Frost character never got the memo that the road ain’t no place to start a family, amirite? Kid is also getting bullied at school and totally sucks at hockey...much to the dismay of his coach...who is totally former Black Flag frontman and legendary spoken word performer Henry Rollins (double weird!). His mom...Mrs Frost...is played by Kelly Preston...and if I ever met Kelly Preston I would ask her what she hated most: being shot by Charlie Sheen, marrying lunatic Scientologist John Travolta, or acting in Jack Frost. I mean...who knows!? Papa Frost comes home for almost-Xmas and gives his kid a magic harmonica. Tells little Charlie that if he plays the harmonica he’ll be able to hear him whenever he is. If he’s like me and most musicians I know he has tinnitus like a bitch and can’t hear anything...but...whatever. Jack Frost also tells Kelly Preston that once his band hits it big he’s gonna buy her a sweet ass house. Here I’d like to point out that they already live in pretty goddamn nice house: 4 bedroom ranch, quiet cul-de-sac, butcher block kitchen. Not bad seeing as Kelly Preston doesn’t even friggin’ work. Anyway—The Jack Frost Band gets offered a make-or-break gig on Xmas day...much to the dismay of the rest of the Frosts’s. Halfway to the gig JF decideds to bail on the gig and head back to spend Xmas with his family. Problem is he’s driving some janky ass old car through the mountains of Colorado and it starts to snow and...I mean...I guess he dies in a crash...because it is suddenly a year later and he is dead. His wife and kid are mad bummed...natch...but the chubby British keyboard player from the Jack Frost Band has moved in with the Frosts in a totally non-threatening, non-sexual way. Could happen. One night the kid decides to build a snowman and dress it up with his dead father’s hat, scarf, and shades while Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide” plays in the background. He then goes inside to play his magic harmonica and BAM! the fuckin’ snowman comes to LIFE! It’s Jack Frost...back from the dead! He heard the harmonica and turned into a snowman! Now...let’s talk about this snowman: It looks super duper fucked up. It’s animated but it also looks like dirty white bedsheets thrown over a pile of shit. And his FACE!? Think Marlon Brando in Island of Doctor Moreau crossed with Van Morrison. You’ve seen Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice? Michael Keaton as an animatronic snowman makes Beetlejuice look like Babar. It is terrifying. The snowman tries to get into the house and the kid screams like any kid would upon being greeted by a snowman with the voice of a dead parent. Eventually the kid comes around to the snowman because he figures “a snow dad is better than no dad.” (Direct quote). Let me just interject here to say that my own father is deceased and at no point have I ever thought it might be cool if he came back as a snowman. In fact...if he DID come back as a snowman I’d probably tell him to screw. Michael Keaton had zero reaction to being resurrected as a snowman. He’s like “guess I gotta make lemonade outta these lemons.” Or at least some Italian Ice for chrissakes. He basically just hangs out with little Charlie and helps him beat the bullies at snowball fights and teaches him some sick hockey moves and WHY DID THEY MAKE THIS MOVIE AND WHEN WILL IT END!? This movie cost $85 million...making it one of the most expensive movies EVER MADE when it came out in 1998...and the snowboard chase scene looks so shitty and fake I can only guess that the budget was so high because the snowman was made out of cocaine. So eventually the snowman runs into trouble because he’s made of snow, see, and he starts to melt. He also gets run over by a plow driven by a dude who looks like Ahmet Zappa (what’s that? It IS Ahmet Zappa?? Buy why!?). Charlie kidnaps the snowman and takes him to the top of a mountain where they apparently have year-round snow. He’s like “we can stay here forever, dad!” and Jack Frost is all “great idea! But I have abruptly decided to go back to being a dead person!” Kelly Preston comes to rescue the kid and sees that her ex-husband is now a talking snowman and has no reaction whatsoever. Like...why did you come back to life and decide to have snowball fights with the kid and not try to contact your wife at all?? This question remains unanswered. The snowman briefly turns back into Michael Keaton...much like now real-life ghost Patrick Swayze at the end of Ghost. Tells the kid to play the harmonica if he ever needs anything and then peaces the eff out. I smell a sequel. The end.